The Blended Family
By: Dr. Kenneth Foy Sr.
Marriage & Family Therapist, DMin,
MAMFC, LMFT
Verified by Psychology Today
Research shows that there is a growing rate in divorce and out of wedlock childbirth in America. In fact, in the early 1900's, more than 80% of children grow up in a family with both biological parents.
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By 1980, research revealed that only 50% of children could expect to spend their entire childhood with their family intact. This suggests that less than half of all children born today will live with both parents throughout their childhood.
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Most children today live several years inside a single parent home, most common with the mother. Today many children live in families that consist of a stepparent.
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Because stepfamilies are more likely to break up, an increasing number of children will experience family breakups 2-3 times during their childhood.
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A Comparison of the Nuclear Family and the Blended Family begins:
How the Nuclear Family Begins:
With no children
Couple has time to adjust to each other.
Once children are born, natural bonding takes place inside the home.
Both parents are involved in the child's development.
Established out of hope and excitement.
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How the Blended Family Begins:
With children
Couples have no time to adjust to each other.
Result of an already failed relationship.
Only one parent is involved in the child's development.
Often established out of grief and loss.
With past disappointments and excess baggage.
Thus, usually expects the new relationship to make up for the loss.
Note: Blended families face many challenges right from the very start.
Tough Unique Issues of the Blended Family
Who will occupy the role of leadership?
Two distinctly different backgrounds in regards to relationships.
Adjustments must be made.
Unrealistic expectations.
The new marriage will make up for the old one.
The stepparent will solve all problems.
The new spouse will ease the burden that the single parent carried.
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The stepchildren will automatically accept the authority and discipline of the stepparent.
9. The stepchildren will automatically love each other and get along.
10. Step-sibling of opposite sex won't become sexually involved.
11. The living arrangements of children visitation rights.
12. Trying to provide a Christian home with the influence of an unsaved parent.
13. Burdensome financial support of children from a previous relationship that affects the finances of the new household.
14. Placing children in the position of having to choose sides.
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A Few Things to Consider
When the new relationship becomes serious with possible marriage, the children
should be courted also.
No marriage should ever take place without the consent of the children.
No single person should marry anyone without premarital counseling.
Determine how the legal custody issue will be resolved.
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Painful Past Experience
Entering marriage with unresolved conflict and/or unhealed internal wounds are often the biggest problem in blended marriages. Here are some indicators that counseling may be needed after marriage.
1. Physically hurting yourself and/or others.
2. Severe prolonged depression.
3. Inability to feel pain or react to it.
4. Refusal to accept responsibility in the failed marriage.
5. Accepting the total blame for a failed marriage.
6. Exemplifying behavior that is destructive to the relationship.
7. Loss of ability to function.
8. Deterioration of peer relationships.
9. Emotional or physical withdrawal.
10. Compulsive behavior.
11. Panic attacks or unreasonable fears.
12. Sense of reality loss.
13. Manipulation of others.
14. Loss of sexual interest.
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Plight of the Children
It is a major mistake to not consider what the children are thinking and feeling.
Children are often hoping for mom and dad to get back together.
Therefore, their hopes are shattered when the new spouse intrudes into their lives.
An only child can find he has brothers and sisters overnight.
Perhaps the child never had to share anything or the parent before.
Click-On This Portrait To Listen To Our Podcast- Blended Family Part Two
Helpful Observations
1. It usually takes children from infants to twelve years old approximately two years to blend a family.
2. With an adolescent or older, it generally takes three to five years.
3. Children who have contact with their non-custody parent usually adjust better to stepparents.
4. Families who have weekly family prayer meetings led by the father seem to bond better and have better communication.
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Eight Recommendations for Stepparents
Initially, try to simply be a friend to the children.
Get to know the children.
Open the lines of communication.
Do not try to discipline the children at the start.
Recognize that your role has its limits.
Be honest about your uncertainties with the children.
Make a commitment to love your stepchildren.
Try to serve and edify the children.
Click-On This Portrait To Listen To Our Podcast- Blended Family Part Two
Four Areas that May Need Attention
1. Anger and resentment between parents create interference of a parent's access and visitation of children,
2. Possible fracturing of the oneness by the ex-spouse.
3. Financial burdens from the past.
4. Incest or rape from the past.
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